Life is short, boo, get to livin' or get to steppin'.

Wow, I haven't posted since September of 2010. That's wild! I'm sure lots of people think that the Postmodern Sexgeek is done. Over. Finished. Finita la commedia and all that rot.

Yeah, not so fast. I'll admit I've gotten out of the habit of blogging. Life being what it is, I threw myself into the melee after the dissolution of my marriage and have been stumbling around trying to figure out this thing called life on my own. I've been somewhat successful in some areas and not so successful in others but as always, I continue to learn and I continue to change and grow. The day that stops happening, you might as well call Dr. Kevorkian because I've obviously given up on life.

I'm still doing the HIV prevention gig though I suspect I am not long for that world. The economy has not exactly been kind to public health endeavors and if I don't jump ship soon, it might just sink with me on it and no one likes that. I have no idea what I'll do next though. I'm seriously considering going back to school to earn my Masters degree in Applied Anthropology but that really depends a lot on funding and right now, baby, funding is something I do not haz.

I've started dating again and um...yeah. That's an occasionally unpleasant experience though there have been a few bright spots. There's also been some unintentional comedy but I'll have to address that some other time because it really is it's own separate blog.

Also on the list for a whole separate post are my ruminations on nonmonogamous/open/polyamorous relationships and dating. For now let's just say that "it's complicated" in both lovely and frustrating ways. The person I ended up dating in that fashion is wonderful in many ways but is also occasionally infuriating and too cocky for his own good (or for his age).

And yes, gentle reader, yours truly has discovered that she appears to have become, completely unintentionally, that urban legend known as a cougar. I didn't exactly set out to do so but I am finding that men my age are not terribly interested in me. Now before you roll your eyes at me, let me just say that I am down for dating men my age. The maturity gap to be found between a woman in her 40s and anyone in their 20s is pretty significant and occasionally make one want to tear out her hair. I suppose that's another blog post, innit?

Perhaps one of the things I am proudest of right now is my return to martial arts. In February I began training in Krav Maga, which is an Israeli style. It is brutal, no nonsense and effective and I currently feel far more able to defend myself than I did before I began not to mention the fact that I've managed to lose some weight while doing it. I also gained an incredibly awesome sparring partner who for now shall simply be called the Sparring Partner of Doom, or SPoD for short. She's much more protective of her online ID than I am so I will not be naming her but I will say this. She's very cool and exceedingly hot. Sorry sports fans, she's also taken so no, you cannot meet her.

I've been kicking around the idea of starting the podcast up again though I have no clue what to talk about or if anyone would even care. Then again, I think I said that when I first started it and it seemed to do ok so...who knows.

So yes, folks, I am still out here. I am still alive and I am still striving to refine this creation that is me. What the future holds in store for me, I do not know but I suspect it won't be boring.  I wonder which of you might be coming on the journey with me. ;-)

I must absolutely add that the title of this post was originally stated by my dear friend, Russ Matthews. Not only is he good at pithy commentary on my personal life, he is also a struggling photographer in the Kansas City area. Check out his site and pass it on.

The Nature of Love (according to me)

I’ve had a several conversations lately, both online and in real time, with friends about love. I suppose it isn’t surprising given the nature of my life changes recently that I’ve been thinking about such things but I have really been thinking on the topic for a long time. Probably since the day I agreed to marry my ex.

I can’t honestly say that I’ve figured it out and I doubt I ever will. It would be arrogant of me to think that I’ve discovered the secrets of a phenomenon that has had the greatest philosophers , poets, prophets and lovers of the ages baffled since the concept was established. To paraphrase Socrates, a wise Latina sexgeek knows that she doesn’t know. ;-) I can however talk about what it is I have noticed and what my take on those observations are, though I won’t pretend my interpretation is necessarily superior over anyone else’s and these ideas are likely to change over the course of my lifetime because I’m flexible like that.

One thing I’ve noticed is that we are big believers in “types” of love and assign differing amounts of relevance, importance and expectations to each type. Familial love, friendship love, romantic/sexual love…so many different types. Now of course I understand that there are differences in the various relationships. Obviously we don’t want to make it weird by getting them all mixed up, right? The thing I don’t like about this though is that most people seem to assign priority to the love by what “kind” of love it is. More often than not, Romantic love takes precedence over any other to the detriment sometimes of those other relationships. Of course, I’ve also seen it happen with familial love or relationships too. Personally, I dislike the idea that any relationship automatically takes precedence over any other simply because of the “type” of love/relationship it is.

Reading back over that I realize that I am having issues with trying to decide whether I can correctly conflate the words “relationship” and “love”. Are they really the same thing? I’m not so sure but I think we do equate the two quite often. The only thing I do know is that regardless of the type of relationship I have with someone, if I love them, they will hold an important place in my soul and I don’t like to think that any of them is automatically more or less important than any other. I know more than a few people who would disagree with me and that’s fine. Again, this is a highly personal subject and everyone will think/feel/handle it differently.

My other problem with how we see love is the kinds of demands/expectations we place on the people we love and our relationships with them depending on the type it is. Romantic love MUST be an always and forever kind of thing that fulfills all our wildest dreams and fantasies and a good portion of our needs as well. Familal love, especially parental or filial, is also supposed to be an unchanging, self sacrificing thing. In fact, we often demand that our love, beloved and their love for us never change. If it does then great drama and woe follows and relationships are often ended or damaged beyond repair. I dislike this tendency. Humans are innately adaptable creatures, it is our most effective survival mechanism, this ability to change and yet for some reason, in our connection to each other, we fight that natural ability. Lovers refuse to acknowledge that the person they loved 10 years ago may not be the same as the person standing before them now. A parent may not want to face that the baby they gave birth to is not the same helpless child 20 years later. The tug of war between the actual human and the image the lover (I am now using this in the sense of someone who loves, not the romantic sense) has of them is more often than not the cause of the friction between people. It’s very hard to acknowledge those changes and yet if we do not, if we do not allow our love to change the beloved may very well decide they need to look for love elsewhere…from someone who does not have such a stake in them remaining an immutable, unchanging ideal. Of course, even if they move on the chances are that they will experience the same issue all over again and may themselves make the same demands on that new person.

Another issue I have observed is our fear of running out of love. The jealousy and possessiveness that we often feel regarding others love for us. We can see it in sibling rivalry, friend rivalries and, oh yes, most definitely in romantic rivalries. This idea that someone who loves us cannot possibly love anyone else besides us without us somehow losing some amount of that love. Now I am the first to admit that the energy it takes to care for someone is indeed a finite resource. My career has been all about caring for people and there are some days when my ability to care and be compassionate is just flat out gone. Everyone can experience burn out whether it’s in their job or in their relationships but I believe that loving someone, really loving them, can also be a source of energy for us. This is assuming that the relationship is a healthy one of course but if it is, then I do believe it’s capable of replenishing us rather than always taking from us. I don’t believe love is something that has to be divided. I know for instance that my mother loves me and my sister equally and I do not feel that my sister’s existence has diminished my mother’s love for me in anyway. Yes, when she was first born I did experience jealousy, as most kids do but eventually I cam to realize that I also loved her and in time, as she got over that whole Id-fueled selfish stage, she also loved me back. The love I was given did not in fact diminish but was multiplied. The same has often happened with my friends, I have found. When I meet the friend of a friend and we decide that we are also well matched we come to connect with each other as intensely as the original friendship and voila! I have the love of one more friend and so do they. No one has lost any love or a friendship and we have both gained in the process.

Now I cannot speak for how this works in romantic relationships, having not engaged in polyamory (or whatever other name you choose to assign to the idea of having more than one committed relationship at a time) but I do know that I have loved, in a romantic sense, more than one person at a time. Because of the circumstances I highly doubt either person would say that they felt my love for them was equally intense but I know that in my heart, it felt that way to me. From what I have seen of the folks who have made this work, it does seem to be the case. I’m not saying there aren’t issues in it all but when the people involved are able to work it out, they do seem to be capable of loving their partners with equal intensity. This is perhaps one of the trickiest maneuvers, trying to make this work. Human beings seem to be programmed for possessiveness so the idea of sharing something that is so seemingly essential to our wellbeing is an unpleasant one at first but the thing is, are we really “sharing” love? Yes we share time but is love truly something that is divvied up like food amongst people? Or, as the cliché goes, are we simply multiplying it to “feed” everyone who we wish to feed? I think I prefer this idea myself, the idea that it isn’t necessarily a finite resource but something we can continue to love and not run out. We may run out of energy or time but love? I hope not.

What's up with the Postmodern Sexgeek?

I realize it's been a very long time since I've podcasted and for those of you who were following me, I apologize. I didn't mean to fade and I hate the thought that I may have disappointed people. The fact is that I am going through a huge upheaval in my life and the result is that I haven't had the energy to podcast.

In January of this year, I broke up with my husband. As anyone who has gone though the break up of a marriage can tell you, the whole process is pretty miserable, regardless of whose idea it is. In this case it was mine but that doesn't mean it's been all smooth sailing and fun for me. Every day brings new feelings of guilt, doubt, fear and anxiety. Did I make the right decision? Am I fool for doing this? Can I really make it on my own?

Upfront I need to say that nothing catastrophic happened between me and Mr. B. He's a good man and we have remained friendly. Rather, the problems happened as they do for most people. A gradual pulling away from one's partner, hurt feelings and resentment piling up day after day, year after year until one day you wake up and realize that the feelings you once had for this person are no longer recognizable. Yes we tried the counseling. I tried faking it 'til I made it. It didn't work. Once the intimacy, the trust is gone, it's almost impossible to bring it back. And when I say trust, I don't mean to say that he cheated on me. He didn't. When I say trust I mean my belief in the depth and strength of his feelings for me. I stopped believing that he thought I was "the right one" for him and started feeling like I was simply better than the option of being alone.

I imagine he has his own take on this as well and I won't invalidate that. These are only my feelings on the matter and I cannot speak for him. I know he was hurt and probably still is and it makes me incredibly sad to know that I was the cause of it but personally I felt it was dishonest to continue the relationship when my heart and soul were no longer in it. We both deserve the chance to find joy with someone who makes our hearts sing but staying together would have made that difficult at best.

Nowadays I am trying to get used to living alone, sleeping alone, being alone. Breaking up with him meant giving up a part of my family and that is as painful as it sounds.

Aside from the emotional aspects of a break up are the practicalities: a halved income, learning to do the yard work (mowing the lawn is hard work!), home repair (hint: he still is willing to help with that and saved my ass recently!), trying to feel safe as a single woman living alone in a large city with not so great crime stats. Thank god for my two large dogs. Without them around I'd be far more scared and anxious, the relative quiet of my neighborhood notwithstanding.

Despite all the negatives and the hardships, I still have hope. Hope that he and I will both heal and be able to maintain our friendship. Hope that someday I will find the joy and love I seek. Hope that eventually it will no longer hurt so much when I see that ring still sitting on my dresser that I haven't yet had the heart to sell.

I also have to admit that this has all taken a toll on my Postmodern Sexgeek persona. When the emotions are this strong and raw, it can be hard to feel sexy or ready to dish about sex and sexuality the way I was. I spend a lot of time wondering if I am even still this person anymore. Sometimes I feel like a fraud when I think about how much I encourage people to be in touch with their sexuality and yet right now mine is ebbing and flowing like the tide according to my emotions. I remember what it feels like to fall in love, to rejoice in that passion and intoxication that comes with the beginning of a romance. The burn of newly ignited lust is also something I remember well but it seems more academic these days and less like something I actually feel myself. I know this is the aftermath of a break up and only temporary but it is hard to do a podcast that takes pleasure in something I am having a hard time getting in touch with.

Does this mean the Postmodern Geek's Guide to Sex is over? No, not necessarily. It does however mean that I am having to rethink so many things and I haven't yet made any decisions about where I'm going and what I am doing with the podcast and even with this blog.

If you're reading this, thank you for being here, thank you for listening. I am sorry if I have disappointed and perhaps, soon, some new version of this little experiment will be born and we can continue the conversation.