I realize it's been a very long time since I've podcasted and for those of you who were following me, I apologize. I didn't mean to fade and I hate the thought that I may have disappointed people. The fact is that I am going through a huge upheaval in my life and the result is that I haven't had the energy to podcast.
In January of this year, I broke up with my husband. As anyone who has gone though the break up of a marriage can tell you, the whole process is pretty miserable, regardless of whose idea it is. In this case it was mine but that doesn't mean it's been all smooth sailing and fun for me. Every day brings new feelings of guilt, doubt, fear and anxiety. Did I make the right decision? Am I fool for doing this? Can I really make it on my own?
Upfront I need to say that nothing catastrophic happened between me and Mr. B. He's a good man and we have remained friendly. Rather, the problems happened as they do for most people. A gradual pulling away from one's partner, hurt feelings and resentment piling up day after day, year after year until one day you wake up and realize that the feelings you once had for this person are no longer recognizable. Yes we tried the counseling. I tried faking it 'til I made it. It didn't work. Once the intimacy, the trust is gone, it's almost impossible to bring it back. And when I say trust, I don't mean to say that he cheated on me. He didn't. When I say trust I mean my belief in the depth and strength of his feelings for me. I stopped believing that he thought I was "the right one" for him and started feeling like I was simply better than the option of being alone.
I imagine he has his own take on this as well and I won't invalidate that. These are only my feelings on the matter and I cannot speak for him. I know he was hurt and probably still is and it makes me incredibly sad to know that I was the cause of it but personally I felt it was dishonest to continue the relationship when my heart and soul were no longer in it. We both deserve the chance to find joy with someone who makes our hearts sing but staying together would have made that difficult at best.
Nowadays I am trying to get used to living alone, sleeping alone, being alone. Breaking up with him meant giving up a part of my family and that is as painful as it sounds.
Aside from the emotional aspects of a break up are the practicalities: a halved income, learning to do the yard work (mowing the lawn is hard work!), home repair (hint: he still is willing to help with that and saved my ass recently!), trying to feel safe as a single woman living alone in a large city with not so great crime stats. Thank god for my two large dogs. Without them around I'd be far more scared and anxious, the relative quiet of my neighborhood notwithstanding.
Despite all the negatives and the hardships, I still have hope. Hope that he and I will both heal and be able to maintain our friendship. Hope that someday I will find the joy and love I seek. Hope that eventually it will no longer hurt so much when I see that ring still sitting on my dresser that I haven't yet had the heart to sell.
I also have to admit that this has all taken a toll on my Postmodern Sexgeek persona. When the emotions are this strong and raw, it can be hard to feel sexy or ready to dish about sex and sexuality the way I was. I spend a lot of time wondering if I am even still this person anymore. Sometimes I feel like a fraud when I think about how much I encourage people to be in touch with their sexuality and yet right now mine is ebbing and flowing like the tide according to my emotions. I remember what it feels like to fall in love, to rejoice in that passion and intoxication that comes with the beginning of a romance. The burn of newly ignited lust is also something I remember well but it seems more academic these days and less like something I actually feel myself. I know this is the aftermath of a break up and only temporary but it is hard to do a podcast that takes pleasure in something I am having a hard time getting in touch with.
Does this mean the Postmodern Geek's Guide to Sex is over? No, not necessarily. It does however mean that I am having to rethink so many things and I haven't yet made any decisions about where I'm going and what I am doing with the podcast and even with this blog.
If you're reading this, thank you for being here, thank you for listening. I am sorry if I have disappointed and perhaps, soon, some new version of this little experiment will be born and we can continue the conversation.